Saturday, April 14, 2007

Losing the Lord... and Gaining a Bpllllfff

From time to time, those of us in the Commonwealth talk about dumping the monarchy. Australia almost did it in 1999; even in Britain there was some discussion of it during the hoariest days of the Charles-and-Di soap opera.

Me, I don't mind the monarchy. I liked licking the back of the Queen's head - until they made self-stick stamps. If you have to have a head of state, an empty figurehead is as good as the next guy. At least it isn't Steven Harper.

What I hate, hate, hate is these damn dames. Loser lords. Boring barons. The whole concept of titles is crass and insulting, like expecting us to touch a forelock or drop a curtsey when our superiors pass by.

If we can't stop the Queen from promoting these charlatans and if we have to put up with media outlets like the Globe & Mail using them incessantly, then maybe we can adopt a new pronunciation for titles. My spelling of this new pronunciation would be like this: Bpllllfff. For example: Bpllllfff Elton is throwing an Oscar party. Pllbbfll Paul is taking a private helicopter to the ice floes to stop poor people from making a living. PBlfffff Black Bplf Bplf Bplf is awaiting the jury's verdict.

I was going to suggest how we could salute them but I thought it might seem impolite.

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